I am not a millionaire. I’m barely a thousandaire on most days. That means I do not have the luxury of leisurely throwing any interesting-looking album onto the checkout counter when I find myself at a record store, especially with the price of records as high as they currently are.
Rather, I comb through record stores for albums that are near and dear to my heart. Albums that are worth the financial burden they will cause. If buying a record means I will be eating beans and rice for dinner for a week, then it better be a damn good piece of music. Such music is few and far between. I’m not picky when it comes to music, I don’t turn my nose up at entire genres the way some people do. But I am picky with how I spend my money.
What this all means is that if I am flipping through a bin of records it’s usually because it will hopefully contain an album I’ve been on the hunt for. Unfortunately looking for a specific album at a record store is a task that can be extremely difficult.
What makes this difficult? Because record stores across the globe have technology that makes you forget every album you have ever listened to.
What was the name of that band I’ve listened to every day since the 5th grade? The B- the Belts? No that’s not it. Starts with a ‘B’. It’s on the tip of my tongue. They have that one song that goes….well, I can’t think of the lyrics or the melody but you know that one song. It’s a big band, a big album, very famous. Plays on the radio….it’s in that movie! With the girl in it and that one actor.
This happens every time, then I end up flipping through Beatles albums I’m not really interested in. There must be a reason for this. I propose a theory: The doors of most record stores are there to not only keep out the elements but also wipe out any musical memories of whoever walks through them.
I think it’s a conspiracy to sell more records. I, as well as many others, hate the experience of being the only customer walking around a small record store and not finding anything you like. Then what? Do you just walk out and not buy a record from the hardworking person behind the counter? Doesn’t that hurt his feelings? It feels like I am personally insulting their store or worse, their taste in music.
But what if I didn’t know any music at all? Then it’s suddenly a clean slate. I am browsing music based solely on album covers and the descriptions on the back. It’s genius. Plenty of terrible music gets pressed onto vinyl, how else are the powers that be supposed to sell through these records besides wiping out people’s memory so it’s like they are seeing it for the first time? This is the only way hundreds of albums could ever be sold. No one who has actually listened to it has willingly purchased Bob Dylan’s Down in the Groove. But picture this: You are browsing through a record store and you’ve never listened to music before. What’s supposed to stop you from buying Dylan’s 25th studio album disaster-piece? Absolutely nothing!
Below are some examples of albums that would only be purchased by someone who had never heard of them before, further proving my point.
(Oasis- Heathen Chemistry, Limp Bizkit – Results May Vary, Kid Cudi – Speeding Bullet 2 Heaven, Yoko Ono – Fly)
Look, I’m not saying every record store owner is a part of a global conspiracy to install state-of-the-art neuralyzer technology not unlike what is seen in Men In Black into the doorframes of their store’s main entrances. Actually, that’s exactly what I’m saying, and someone needs to do something. I’m tired of leaving stores empty-handed because I couldn’t think of a single musical artist. Enough is enough!
Anyways, what did you listen to this week?